Love Charms, page 5

The next morning I woke exhausted. My sleep had been dreamless and also ineffective. It was not a groggy exhaustion, but an exhaustion of having been through something strenuous, of having been spent. I groaned my way out of bed, and in the shower I remembered fully what had happened. I rested my forehead heavily against the slowly warming tiles, letting the hot water etch a ring on my back. It was over. I would have to remember that. This knowledge, or the repetition of this knowledge would not be enough to finish off my feelings for Jaime -- feelings I was unprepared to discover were so strong. But hopefully, somehow, I would have to forget her, and then these feelings would pass. It was so easy to say that, such a simple sensible thought; but I knew it would be impossible to do. It would take forever. Yet this seemed to be my only alternative.

I had botched everything. I had ruined it forever. I had ruined me forever. There was no last chance now; I had screwed it all. I should've known better. I had been aware how dangerous it was to mess with things I knew nothing about, to take these ancient arcane arts lightly, but I had gone ahead and done it; and as a result I had screwed up everything. It was my own fault. I had no one to blame for this downfall but myself.

The clock in my room said ten:thirty. I had missed my morning class; but I hardly cared. Even if I'd woken earlier I wouldn't've gone. In an hour though I had my witchcraft class. Jaime would be there. I could see her again. If I'd had any sense in my head I would've kept myself far away, treating the sight of her as being too much for me in my fragile state. But the thought of seeing her again, even at a distance, buoyed my spirits. I at least was able to remind myself, as I got dressed, that it was still all over. It was finished. I had to seen to that myself. I would not tease or torture myself into thinking there was still a chance -- if anything, I'd practically had a mandate from heaven saying the opposite was true.

This thought caused me to smile grimly, and laugh bitterly. That's it. That's all she wrote. It's over. It's over. The wind was harsh as I crossed Main street to campus ground. It caught at me in sudden blasts, yanking the front of my jacket and tugging my pant legs. I hunkered down and clutched my books to my side. The walk took longer today so when I finally made it to class many people were already seated. Jaime was already there too. She glanced up but I forced myself to look away. I did not have the strength to look her in the eyes. I distracted myself by once again running my fingers through my hair, trying to straighten and flatten it out. I took a seat at the end of her row. I opened my notebook, stared intently into its lines, but took no notes. I hardly listened to the lecture at all. It had been a stupid thing to do, I now realized; I should've stayed away and blown this class off too. Being here was doing nothing for me, was certainly not helping in the least. Far from it. In fact, being here so close to her yet so distanced was a reminder that my success in this class might be seriously jeopardized.

My trance broke around forty or fifty minutes later. The open sheets of my notebook were filled with doodles, looking like mystical signs. The class was over. Others were leaving in front of me. I got up, collecting my things, my self-pitying litany of finality repeating in my head. I turned and saw her.
"Whoa! -- hey."
"Hey," she repeated. Jaime was standing there, clutching her books in her arms. "Are you off to the library?" she asked, with a smile.
"Uh, no," I said, unsure what to do. "Actually I was headed to the Lower Level." The thought of going there, dropping some tokens in the games, and blasting away some computerized demons was somewhat comforting.
"Oh yeah?" she said, brightening.
I could feel myself brightening too.
"Mind if I come along?" she asked.

I don't remember what I said. I'm sure it was in the affirmative. I stepped back and let her pass in front of me. Was I imagining this? Was this really happening? Had everything changed so much so suddenly? It was so uncanny that I felt somewhat detached from it all, as if I were watching someone else walking with Jaime. She fell back, to walk alongside me. We crossed the corridor to the side doors, stepping outside. I needed to say something, to dare to break this spell to see if it could be broken. "So," I began, waiting for the rest of the words to fall into place. I was glad I had books to hold onto, since the rest of me was trembling. "What are you writing your paper on?"
"I thought I told you," she said, almost leaning toward me. "Love potions."
"Oh yeah! That's right," I said laughing. "Those things." I shook my head ruefully. "So how's it going."
"Pretty well, I think." She had a curious tone as she said that. I turned to question her further, but found she was eyeing me closely. "Actually," she said, her smile returning, "I'm still experimenting."