Look Into the Heart of the Giant Cheeto and Despair

It was in the harbor of pearl that its greatness was revealed to the world. From the bag that was purchased did come the wonder that is the Giant Cheeto. Its glory was proclaimed to the world and many did clamor to behold it or possess it; but it was to a small town in Iowa that the Giant Cheeto, in its infinite and unfathomable wisdom, did choose to settle.
    Long were the preparations to receive the Giant Cheeto. The men of the town brought Plexiglass, the women of the fields brought velvet cushions, for as to comfort and pillow the Giant Cheeto in its magnificence and greatness. Voices were raised in speech and song among the great multitude, worshiping the Giant Cheeto, as was right. And the people lavished their love upon the Giant Cheeto and waited for its message to be imparted to them.
    But there were those who would spurn the Cheeto, scorning its greatness. It was they who would eat the Cheeto, believing in their minds that its greatness should be consumed even unto their bellies. Was this not food? they did cry. Was it not meant for nourishment of body than of mind? And in their hearts did they form secret plots.
    Then, under cover of the night, was there the breaking of the Plexiglass, and when the sun did rise overhead did the people of the town see that the greatness of the Giant Cheeto was laid waste to naught but crumbs remaining. Then was there a great cry of anguish. Then did the men rend their garments and the women gnash their teeth. Usurpers! cried those to one side. Idolators! cried the other. And in the center of the town did they clash and there was a mighty clatter and pounding as among them fist met head and knee met groin. Great was the fight among them, with pitchfork and ax, with fist and hammer, with eyepoke and twist of teat.
    Then it was that a child among them did find some coins upon the ground. And with those coins did the child purchase a new bag. And then the townsfolk did see that in his hand the child held new Cheetos, not as great as that which they had lauded, but more numerous as to be shared among them. The child shall feed us, some cried. He has provided that which we had hoped to protect, said others. So he is the one who did it, said the last; there is orange upon his fingertips as of blood from a wound. And, whether it be from the hunger of their exertions, or the fervor of their excitement, or in their anger and revenge, they smote the child with their clubs and fed upon his Cheetos.

    This extract is believed to be the completion of this passage or an alternate, albeit perhaps apocryphal, ending.
    And when they had feasted, they looked up and before them beheld a brilliant light. And within that light was contained a multitude of bags, each therein containing Cheetos and that which was alike unto Cheetos. The people rejoiced at the bounty which the Giant Cheeto had brought them to, but those that were foremost did not have coins among them enough to purchase the bags. In their exuberance they grasped the metal box which held the bags, and they shook the box and put their weight against it so that the bags might be let loose unto them. And though the box they shook, it did fall upon them, crushing them outright.
    And the women did cry and beat their breasts, and they wailed to the Heavens that they were struck with grief, and that they were as in a darkness shrouded, lost and leaderless, and that the mysteries of the Giant Cheeto would ever be unknown to them.