“…and a Diet Pepsi”

    It’s gotten to the point of cliché, the joke where the fat guy orders a whole litany of food and caps it off with the addition of a diet Pepsi. I guess people think this is a joke because the fat guy is obviously deluding himself that the diet Pepsi somehow justifies the inclusion of all that fattening food. That this particular beverage is some panacea which will make it all better.
    But that joke isn’t funny, because I am one of those people.
    I’ve heard the “…and a Diet Pepsi” punchline before. I’ve seen the smirk behind the chrome counter. I’ve heard the sarcasm out of the drive-thru speaker.
    What I find most frustrating is how these food service people (and standup comics who should know better) never seem to consider that I might order a low-calorie beverage by choice, because, Heaven save us, I might actually prefer it. I simply do not like regular Coke or Pepsi. Compared to their diet counterparts, the regular stuff is thick and syrupy and does quite the opposite of quenching my thirst. So get it through your grease-addled, paper-hat-wearing skull: I’m fully cognizant of what I’m ordering and why.
    Give it a rest. Wipe the smirk off your face, and give me my food.
    And…yes…if I’m going to add 400 calories to my Taco Bell meal, I’d rather do it via a beef Chalupa than a 32-ounce regular Pepsi.
    (This rant was inspired in part by Ellen DeGeneres’s HBO special.)