The Mad Boober May Strike Again!

Posted on April 10 2004 by Mickey

A Fox News.com Viewer Advisory
    Fox News is reporting that the PDB from August 6 2001 — you know, the one titled “HEY, CONDOLEEZZA! OVER HERE! READ ME! IMPORTANT! HOT STUFF! I’M SERIOUS!” — is to be released some time this evening. While perusing the Fox News.com website, I noticed that they’ve kindly provided a warning that tonight Janet Jackson may wage another assault on public decency.
    I’m amused that we’re supposed to be so afraid of her every televised appearance, as if she were some kind of serial flasher:
    Beware her irrepressible mammary glands! Her nipples cannot be restrained! You have been warned!
    Update: The PDB has been released and can be viewed here. I was in error above about its name, its title is actually “HEY! CONNECT THE DAMNED DOTS, GET OUT OF CRAWFORD, AND MAKE SOME PHONE CALLS!”
    Update update: Rumor has it CNN’s PDF is not only “redacted” but severely truncated. They show only a page and a half, but as far back as October 2002 this particular PDF is described as being eleven pages long. (According to German weekly Die Zeit. (Check this page and scroll to the 31st paragraph.) Looks like the President and staff have finally begun to take the document seriously.
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Diet Blog: Day Ninety-Eight

Posted on April 9 2004 by Mickey
    Taterpants recently used my impregnable spam-free Shoutbox to inquire about the progress of my diet. First of all, what the hell kind of name is Taterpants? Second of all, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is I finally broke the thirty pound barrier. I last weighed myself on Wednesday, and found I was 208. This not only got me past 210, where I’ve been hovering for a while, but it also means I’ve lost 30 and a half pounds.
    The bad news is that I doubt this loss will last. Easter weekend is coming up; and although I don’t plan on pigging out on chocolate bunnies and jellybeans, I can’t let the occasion go by without a Cadbury egg or four. Plus Grandma and Grandpa will be making tasty homemade ravioli. Thusly, I don’t plan on weighing myself till late in the following week.
    Complicating things further, I’ve got a vacation coming up in a couple weeks, which will probably feature looser interpretations of the South Pacific menus.
Posted in Diet, Personal | 1 Comment

My Inbox

Posted on April 8 2004 by Mickey
   
From: Michael Dell <mdell@dell.com>
To: Mickey <mickey@shortfatguy.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 8 2003   14:48:56
Subject: Your Website

Dear Mickey,

I can only guess your recent comedy bit about a ghost writer named “Gupta” is a pointed barb at the Dell corporation’s previous decision to outsource support staff to India. I am puzzled why this would be fodder for your online humor since as of November the Dell corporation has proudly returned support staff jobs to America, in swift reaction to overwhelming public feedback. I am therefore hopeful you will curtail what many are probably finding a tired and overused joke. Besides, it’s not like anybody actually would be fooled by the fact you added “Gupta” to the “Posted by” tagline. What’s next? Pretending you receive e-mails from corporate executives?

Regards,
Michael Dell
Chief Executive Officer
Dell Computing
From: Mickey <mickey@shortfatguy.com>
To: Michael Dell <mdell@dell.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 8 2003   15:37:22
Subject: Re: Your Website

Thank you for your interest in my humble website. However, since my Dell warranty has expired I no longer have to take any more of your abuse. Please stop harassing me.

Your pal,
— Mickey

P.S.: Your Dell Digital Jukebox looks like a garage door opener.
From: Mickey <mickey@shortfatguy.com>
To: Michael Dell <mdell@dell.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 8 2003   16:12:03
Subject: Re: Re: Your Website

By the way, you’re right. The whole “Gupta” thing is not very funny.

I was tired.

Your pal,
— Mickey

P.S.: I’ve heard people are still getting tech calls directed to India, despite what you said.
From: George W. Bush <president@whitehouse.gov>
To: Mickey <mickey@shortfatguy.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 8 2003   17:29:18
Subject: A Message from the President

Dear Mickey,

I heard you are printing fake emails on the front page of your web sight. That sounds neat. Can you believe I’m president? Hee hee.

God bless America,
W
From: Michael Dell <mdell@dell.com>
To: Mickey <mickey@shortfatguy.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 8 2003   18:43:11
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Your Website

You didn’t hear this from me.

>> DELL TECH SUPPORT PROTIP
>> If you call Dell tech support, do NOT enter a service code when prompted to.
>> Apparently this sends you to India for sure. Instead, pretend you don’t know
>> your code and just navigate the menu without it. You are far more likely to end
>> up with a North American tech support person.

—–Original Message—–
From: Mickey <mickey@shortfatguy.com>
To: Michael Dell <mdell@dell.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 8 2003   16:12:03
Subject: Re: Re: Your Website

P.S.: I’ve heard people are still getting tech calls directed to India, despite what you said.
From: Antonin Scalia <ascalia@supremecourtus.gov>
To: Mickey <mickey@shortfatguy.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 8 2003   19:44:10
Subject: Pertaining to Electronic Correspondence

Please do not print my fake e-mail on your Internet page. My words, barring my expressed consent, are not for public dissemination and can not be tape recorded or copied. I am censuring my word processor as I type this. Also, my reflection does not show up in mirrors.

I expect your prompt attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Usama and I are off on a camping holiday.

Hon Antonin Scalia

Justice of the Supreme Court
From: Mickey <mickey@shortfatguy.com>
To: Antonin Scalia <ascalia@supremecourtus.gov>
Sent: Thursday, April 8 2003   21:51:32
Subject: Re: Pertaining Electronic Correspondence

Thanks for your interest in my humble website. Did I go too far with the Usama reference?

Your pal,
— Mickey
From: George W Bush <president@whitehouse.gov>
To: Mickey <mickey@shortfatguy.com>
Sent: Thursday, April 8 2003   21:31:46
Subject: A Message from the President (2)

I’m tired with Iraq. We need to have the war somewhere else. Can you suggest any more countries we could fight? How about Chad? Get it? That’s an old one. Ha ha.

This AOL is fun.

Vigilance against the haters of freedom,
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The Plan

Posted on April 8 2004 by Mickey
    I found this on the Internet. It looks like someone is having trouble folding the Iraqi roadmap to peace.
    “We don’t know what shape it will be in. We don’t know who we’re giving it to. But, guaranteed, on the agreed morning we’ll be leaving the keys in the mailbox for you.”
    Wouldn’t be frightening if the guy in that video were actually in charge of something?
    P.S. That final, fixed date wouldn’t be 22 December 2012, would it?
Posted in News, TV, Video | Leave a comment

On the Paper Trail

Posted on April 7 2004 by Gupta
    I was discussing in the luncheon room the problem Americans may face soon in their reliance on Diebold voting machines. From the things I have read it would appear these fears are not in vain. However it would seem quite easy to get around this. Counting votes electronic does not seem to me a big deal. Online polls are on every web page, counting votes, without suspicion and without Diebold’s involvement. Here is my solution: for every voting place that uses a Diebold machine, some club or political organization should set up a laptop running a simple Javascript poll. As each person exits, talk them into voting again, on this laptop. Then when Diebold posts their results [which will probably look like this:

Diebold Firmware Rev 1.93.8
Bush
  
Gore
230,000
  
-16,000
or this:
Diebold Firmware Rev 2.01.1
Bush
     
Kerry
230,000
     
0
depending if their programming has been updated], these local organizations can check them against their results.
    And no recounts either, please. If there is a great discrepancy, all results are thrown out and each town has to start again. Preferably with trusty paper and pencil.
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Seven Bribes for Seven Numbers

Posted on April 5 2004 by Gupta
    “Criminals are believed to be trying to bribe Indian call centre workers to get access to customer credit card details” says this article at The Register. “Call centre workers have been offered up to a year’s wages for credit card numbers, according to the Evening Standard.”
    I cannot speak for the others who work here but this news is not true. Just the other day someone asked me for information about Mr Carlson Schumate, who lives at 6431 Parsons in Lake City, Colorado, 81235, and whose Mastercard number is 7833-0039-4859-0023. But, no sir, I would not tell them.
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User Error

Posted on April 5 2004 by Gupta
    People do funny things with their computers. Though when they call me, they’re not funny — they’re angry.
Posted in Tech | Leave a comment

04/04/04

Posted on April 4 2004 by Mickey
04/04/04
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Outsourcing is Survival, Not Greed

Posted on April 2 2004 by Gupta
    Good reading. “How India is Saving Capitalism”. In this article from Salon, “hiring Indian programmers wasn’t about greed, it was about survival. A special report from Chennai, globalization’s ground zero.” Article requests subscription. Sorry.
    Gupta’s Computer Tip #1: if home computer is misbehaving, boot from Windows CD and reformat!
Posted in Links, News | Leave a comment

The Rumors are True

Posted on April 1 2004 by Gupta
    Today is April Fool’s Day, and like many webmasters I was toying with the idea of pulling some prank on my front page. (ThinkGeek has a good one.) I could revert this whole layout to resemble some 14 year old girl’s frilly Geocities site, or report some news story about the benefits of the all bacon-cheeseburger diet, or write some farfetched story about how I’ve seen a woman naked. But those things require effort, as well as a sense of humor, and both of those are in short supply.
    Which brings me to the following announcement. As you are well aware, many rumors have been circulating among SFG shareholders of late, and now I must inform you those rumors are true. It has become too costly to run this site. I can ill-afford the upkeep and maintenance of the servers while still maintaining my steady bacon-cheeseburger diet, and drastic action must be taken. Therefore, the management of this website is being outsourced to India, and all its content will be written by young medical student named Gupta.
    Please welcome him, as he begins his first SFG update.

    Helo.
    Susvaagatam.
    Aapakaa vijita hamaare paasa mahatvapuurna hai.
    Aapa grahiita honge jaba aapa aate hain.
    Agara aapa dehadrava kii samasyaaen anubhaava kara rahe hain, taba apanaa brovsera punah bhaariye.

    Ha. Good one. Now that’s real wit. And there’s more where that come from, as the SFG site embarks on a bold and profitable future.
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